The shortcoming of many parents is the failure to allow their adult
children to face the music, as it were, of situations that they have gotten
themselves into; to find a way out of their state of affairs without the
intervention of mom and dad.
Too often are the days that a parent is Johnny-on-the-spot to offer
assistance, which makes it easier for their offspring to get out of the
calamities that they are responsible for, which does little in helping them
learn how not to repeat the same mistakes over and over again.
When are parents going to learn to butt out of the affairs of their
grown children and allow them to experience the affects that bad decisions and
wrong choices create; the consequences of their actions? Parents and guardians must let them learn by
their mistakes, but it is always easier to bail a family member out of trouble
than to stand idly by and watch them flounder; in need of help.
It is hard for most parents to not take action when they observe the heartache that
problems produce, even though their children may have brought the troubles upon
themselves, because of the “I want it now” syndrome that lives within many
adults of this generation.
Rather than waiting until they can afford to buy certain things, they
rush in where angels fear to tread and cut off more than they can chew,
figuratively speaking. These young
adults, demonstrating the lack of self-control, often try to satisfy their
desires by attempting things that a wiser person would avoid, which causes
stress and perplexities in their home environment. There is no stress like money problems when a
person lives beyond their weekly income.
This writing is a reminder to all parents the importance of allowing
adult children to learn by their mistakes.
Yes, it is disturbing and most difficult to stand by when grown children struggle; especially when the resources are available to help them
climb out of the pit they dug. The
long and short of it is this… in due season they will benefit in greater
measures, because of non-interference from parents.
My retirement adviser, a wise man, told me that a parent can give all
they have to their children to assist them when they make poor choices, but in
the end they will have gone through all the money given them and still end up
with nothing, because of the “I want it now” mindset.
Some children squander all they receive and are at the same level of
want as before, thus, both parties being in need—the giver and the taker. Unwise parents throw hard earned money at
their children’s problems only to see it disappear quickly, because of a
different set of values and rules that govern the way they live and the choices
made.
I know a forty year old man that said these words to his dad: “You’ve got the money; spend it! Let tomorrow take care of it self!” This kind of mentality, in my opinion, is not
wise thinking. Most old-timers were not
raised to throw caution to the wind, but to be diligent, hard-working, and careful
how they spent their money.
If a parent knows that their child is quick to spend what they have
with no thought of tomorrow, then why should they allow them to fritter away
their money by giving to this type of spendthrift that spends theirs
carelessly? I don’t believe that God
expects this of any parent. He wants
everyone to learn how to better themselves by becoming responsible adults,
while making educated, wise choices.
There may not always be someone there to pull them out of the mire.
A parent must learn how to implement tough love and take a stand based
on the nature and disposition of the individual that is always taking and
seldom giving; letting them pick themselves up by their own bootstraps. Tough love has a way of teaching wonderful
lessons to those that need to change their way of thinking, while helping them
to cease being on the receiving end of things.
I believe that it helps teach responsibility and accountability. Unreliability then ceases to rule their life.
Thank God that this nature does not apply to all parents, nor does is
rest in all adult children; but if you relate to any part of this writing thus
far, please consider making some important adjustments, while you are yet able
to do so.
Shall a parent continue to exercise poor judgment, or should they quit
being the enabler that makes it easier for their child to live this way? They will never learn how to be frugal as
long as giving-parents keep allowing their parental instincts to choke out
other options of resolve. Shoveling
one’s sustaining substance their way is not always the right solution to the
problem.
Without a doubt, parents are faced with situations that God can provide
direction of what to do and how to handle them.
On occasion, under certain conditions, there will be an extenuating
circumstance that arises, which may constitute an allowance for involving
certain exceptions for the situation at hand, although wisdom and
rationalization should be explored intently before providing the money that is
deemed necessary by the grown child soliciting it.
Parents need to listen to the leading of the Holy Spirit and not become
tempted to fall back into old habits of intervention that creep in quite
easily. Parental softness, assistance,
or out-and-out meddling, are hard habits to break. Meddling is just another word for
interference when God is trying to teach them something.
God will give insight to enablers if they truly want it or they can
continue down the same path of parental infringement. How can God teach a free-spirited,
non-planner the boundaries of budgeting when parents are always butting in?
When are parents going to learn this lesson? I am sure you can think of a situation that
made you evaluate your relationship with your “taker”—perhaps it was the "writing on the wall" that helped you see things more clearly, which enabled you
to close the bank of mom and dad. Good
for you!
It is hard to draw a line in the sand and not step over it, but it is
prudent for parents that are prone to come to the rescue of their adult
children to take a detour and move into uncharted waters of
self-discipline. I have confidence that
God will direct and assist in this time of need. Though
it's hard to say no, it is important to exercise tough love, because it's
necessary to do so for the sake of the child.
How will adult children learn to stand on their own two feet if parents
continually write checks with their son or daughter as the recipient, or to the
people they owe money? A parent can give
and give to their grown children, yet when it is all said and done, depending
on their personality, the bailout is usually expected.
Some children fail to appreciate what has already been done for them in
the past. In such instances, these
individuals feel entitled and deserving of whatever is given them. The root of such behavior is
self-centeredness. When combined with a
giving parent, it spells immaturity, which can breed animosity in the heart of
a parent toward the person being insensitive.
As I alluded to earlier, it certainly depends upon individuality and
underlying circumstances that determine whether the preceding statements are
true or false. Parents that relate to this
writing, in most cases, have themselves to blame, because they have initially
trained their children to be like this do to the inability to “let go” and say
“no.” The Bible says in (Genesis 2:24), “Therefore a man shall leave
his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one
flesh.”
Many parents still want to coddle and make decisions for their
offspring. They believe in their heart
that their way of doing things is best, because of personal experiences, but
how did they glean these experiences except through trial and error? They learned by their own mistakes. Wisdom comes by way of different
avenues. God’s pathways are the best
ones to follow.
A parent is sometimes prone to keep apron strings tied securely around
their child by refusing to wean them off the breast of motherhood, while
remaining in close proximity in case they need a bandage or two on their
boo-boos.
How will they ever learn responsibility if parents continue to hold
their hand like they did when crossing a street or walking them to their
nursery school classroom. Parents must
let go for the sake of their own rehabilitation and the welfare of adult
children that expect handouts from mom and dad.
I am not saying, by any stretch of the imagination, that all children
fall in the category of being takers, nor am I implying that siblings have
dispositions and personalities alike.
Just because one child is obsessed with self-indulgent living, does not
mean brothers or sisters are the same.
Parents must judge for themselves what kind of relationship they have
with their adult child to see if the association is healthy or if changes
should be implemented for all concerned.
My wife and I are frugal with money and use common sense as a guide
when making decisions; and of course we include God in all decisions. We have money saved for old age needs to
prevent us from becoming a burden to our children. We do not expect them to pick up the cost of
funerals or elderly care, unlike the forty year old man that said to his dad,
“Let tomorrow take care of it self.”
The thinking of today’s generation of young adults is certainly
different from my generation of "baby boomers" that examined the consequences of their
actions prior to doing the act, yet accepted the penalties for their action if
there were any. My generation, likewise,
is different from my parent’s generation that was set in their ways and a bit
hard to deal with at times.
For the most part, people in my dad’s day that went through the Great
Depression scrimped and saved; cautious as to how they spent their hard-earned
money. Though unfortunate to live during
these hard times, they learned the concept of survival and how to make it
through life. It wasn’t a haphazard, let
tomorrow take care of itself type attitude.
They were sensible and cautious.
My parents and my wife’s parents learned through experience the
necessity of being frugal, while teaching this concept to us—the next generation. They taught the principles that there was
more to life than what met the eye.
They wanted us to be alert and not taken by surprise or caught off
guard; blindsided by the unexpected. Our
parents taught awareness that more mountains were beyond the one standing in
front of us. Preparedness, sensible
logic, and saving money came from their vigorous training.
The offspring of those that went through the depression era, my
generation, still have this concept-of-saving embedded deeply within their
psyche. We have learned how to save and
spend wisely, because we grew up in households where our parents endeavored,
daily, to make ends meet. We learned
unforgettable lessons through personal experiences.
Where parents of my generation fell short of the mark of excellence;
they desired that their kids have all the things that they themselves lacked when
growing up. They wanted their children to
experience life without problems.
Showering them with toys, activities, and ‘stuff’ in their
informative and teenage years, while endeavoring to teach good work ethics,
many of these parents failed someway to teach how to spend money effectively, with
prudence.
Too often, giving-parents provided quick and deliberate gratification
for most every whim that their children had.
Through actions and wanting to please, they taught their progeny that
they could have things now, rather than waiting to buy at a later time through
saving and managing their money.
It is not always that which comes out of a parent’s mouth that is put
into practice by their children that analyze everything they do. Though parents can strive until they are blue
in the face to be good examples and good managers of the money they earn, most
of the time their actions speak louder than the words they use. Children learn by visual examples as they
scrutinize their parent’s actions.
Inexperience in raising children and the lack of quality judgment can
be the norm in some households. Parents
sometimes inadvertently lay foundations of ease and simplicity, which can, but
not always, follow their children into adulthood.
It depends on the child.
Credit cards have made it possible, even easier, for people not to wait
for the things they covet. They can do
what they want today and let tomorrow take care of it self. This is the endless cycle that I’ve been
talking about. When children get
themselves into debt, parents bail them out time and time again—on and on it
goes. When will the lesson be learned?
Helping-out typifies most loving moms and dads, which makes it easier
for their adult offspring to go into debt for the things they want, while
remaining frivolous with the money they have, because of bad choices.
Parents must stand strong and say to their children, by their actions,
that it is time to grow up and quit depending on mom and dad to come to their
aid when debtors knock at the door, because there is no money to pay the piper.
I am sure you have heard the expression, 'unconditional love', but
parents do their children an injustice by keeping them in a state of dependency
by not cutting the umbilical cord of early childlike parenting. It’s one thing to love; it’s another thing to
smother them with help, while removing the where-with-all that they need to
survive and become self-governing, independent individuals. Parents must let them grow up without the
comfort of mom and dad’s financial support being available at their beckon
call.
Parents need to get across to their adult children the value of
cautious spending by backing out of their financial woos. If they have to sell possessions to pay
bills—so be it. This is what my wife and
I did. It drew us closer together and
taught great lessons, which otherwise may not have been learned.
Children will learn the importance of saving for a rainy day, which is
an old concept that is as effective in today’s economy as it was in my dad’s
day.
Enabling a son or daughter to remain in a state of dependency, because
of giving, actually supports and encourages their persistent, bad choices. It also reinforces the notion of wanting to
be their friend rather than the parent, which can start early on in childhood
development and upbringing.
Parents that strive to be their child’s friend, rather than expecting
them to come up to the plate of responsibility, can affect their ability of
making right choices. Parents want to
make it easy for them in this world of hard knocks. This is where the problem lies when parents
continue to nurture and protect.
The cycle must be broken. It is
never too late to stand for what’s right and put off the old nature of hovering
over one’s children, and quit making excuses in order to keep giving when they
continually make bad choices in their adult life.
If this cycle does not stop with our children, their children may
potentially become, for the most part, a generation of spoiled, arrogant
individuals that find it hard to hold down a job (if they have one), because
their moms and dads (our children) have continued the (no-no) of bailing them
out of situations that they have gotten themselves into.
The lessons of accountability and responsibility must be learned. Someone needs to teach these valuable
qualities. This is where good parents
must take a stand and become proactive by shoving the gears-of-stagnation into
reverse, out of neutral, and back away from old habits. This positive move can prevent a re-occurrence
of past mistakes that parents unknowingly made.
I don’t believe a parent that loves their children and grandchildren
would ever want them to feel like a pair of wet sneakers that have been left
out in the cold, but if a parent persists with their interference and refuses
to allow them to learn by their own mistakes, this is precisely how they will
feel. Feeling proud of oneself does wonders
for the everyday disposition by which a person walks.
Adult children need to learn to stand on their own two feet and make
right decisions; not depending on or expecting others to always be there for
them. This self-confidence will not
develop as long as parents keep showing up with financial help.
When parents or guardians throw caution to the wind and persist in the
ongoing practice of compassion-giving to their offspring’s financial affairs,
it reinforces dependency and neediness.
These children may always find themselves expecting others to come to
their cry for help, rather than finding a way out of their predicament and
learning how not to make the same mistake twice. All of the preceding thoughts apply to
grandchildren and friends as well.
God is able to bring perception, wisdom and good judgment to parents
that lack the ability to say no or to look the other way. He gives strength and the ability to move in
the direction of tough love, which is most difficult to accomplish in our own
strength and willpower.
Written by,
Papa Boyd
